journal

8–1–24

New book. Writing in car with verbal texts to self. First contract in this morning, small but now I’m moving, finally. Going out to Field later in morning, about to take this laptop to break room or conference room to be alone, no typing around me.

Documenting these little battles with myself — attitude, and the ‘Attitude is Architecture’ note I remembered and wrote about driving over here. I am driving, and in control.

Your mind and attitude, the anxiety and depression and low self-estimation is fucking LYING to you. Remember that. The day is not out for you, it never is. Your own mood has you convinced it is…

10:35, couldn’t make a Santa Rosa meeting, and honestly after yesterday’s complete folly of a networking lunch, I don’t mind. Need this time. To collect, talk to self, review voiced notes from the drive.

FROM RIDE OVER:

Going to write about this battle with myself. Battle with my own attitude and moods, especially in the morning… I’m going to note everything, help anyone who needs it… You are not alone. Mental health has to be the priority.

Again — attitude, and architecture, attitude, IS architecture and make yourself smile even if you have to force it. Even if you have to fake it… And I’m not going to get into some ‘fake it till you make it’ bullshit.

Just smile for happiness, force fruition of joy, nothing is worth it if it doesn’t give you joy. If something doesn’t bring you immediate and encompassing and overwhelming joy, dismiss it.

Walk away.

You are in control, you are the vehicle, you are driving.